Archives for category: paranoia

BuzzFeed posted ‘19 things that will drive your OCD self insane‘ and I knew I shouldn’t have looked. I died inside a little. Just a couple:





This kind of reminds me of the time my friend Cecile, who is sweet and kind and totally inoffensive (and smaller than me, even!) got smacked across the face so hard her glasses flew off, on the El, by a guy to whom she’d just innocently offered a spare plastic bag to put his copious (and gross) food trash into. Her glasses clattered down the aisle of the car, the jerk got off at the next station (left his chicken wing bones everywhere), and no one helped her or said a word.

One of my biggest fears is random violence, exactly because it is random. It’s a big fear, but I actually don’t stress about it too much, because, I mean…there’s no point in that, is there? But I’ll have fleeting moments of ‘oh my God that guy is totally going to drive right into me’ (which has happened before) and ‘holy fucking crap that dude is going to knife me’ (which hasn’t).

usually the ‘unknown caller’ texts i’ve received since getting my LA number have been vaguely offensive – messages that have led me to believe that the former owner of this number switched it due to some fallout from her questionable lifestyle. but this is what i received a few minutes ago:

im selling a puppy for 150… its a miniature pinscher mixed with chihuahua if u want a pic let me know… i bought it but cant keep it where i live…

what do all of those ellipses mean?? is there some sort of veiled threat here – if i don’t take this allegedly real puppy, will said puppy be euthanized or sold to an underground dog fighting ring? maybe i am just hyper-sensitive to animal-selling schemes due to pet store/breeder horror stories, but for some reason, this text is really bothering me. it’s bothering me even more than the text that was just

[blushing face] [alien head] [sassy lips] [surprised eyes] [princess head] [angel head and wings] [red footprints]

via pat, an awesomely terrifying video of a chair reassembling itself.

kara: if the macbook air had a 2200×1600 res screen or whatever my dell has, i’d buy one in an instant, lack of processing power or optical drive be damned

kara: the lack of screen real estate is the one thing that really annoys me about this effing powerbook

kara: that and how i dropped it so now it doesn’t close properly

eric: oop

kara: but surely it marks some kind of personal progress that i still have it and am not planning to buy another laptop and haven’t even attempted to have it fixed

eric: try dropping a shelf on it* or pouring some beer in there to see if that fixes it

kara: HAHA

eric: that’s what i’d do**

kara: yeah, this is a different computer

kara: it’s not titanium

kara: so it’s crappier

* on dillo day, senior year, i closed (ok maybe slammed – it was around noon so i was probably already kinda [pretty] drunk) the door to my room, and one of my wood and glass wall-mounted dvd cabinets fell off (out of?) the wall and landed on my tibook. then it bounced and made a nice triangle-shaped hole in the desk from where the corner hit it. the tibook walked away with a very small dent in the cover that you could see only when the light hit it properly. no screen damage. no performance changes. god i miss that thing.

** when eric was courting me he spilled a bottle of beer over the keyboard of my then-new tibook (which i’d left at work, open, rendering something in after effects) then, after the other guys at the office had heroically emptied it out and dried it (hooray for the compartmentalized removable keyboard), eric decided not to leave a note saying it had happened. you know, ’cause maybe i wouldn’t notice that it had changed position on my desk (with MY ocd? yeah right.) or that it smelled slightly off or there was a nick in the screen where i assume the bottle hit it. ahhh romance. next time i’ll tell you about how eric accidentally burned my hand the first day of our european vacation. wait, i already did. …ok, maybe i haven’t made as much personal progress as i thought.

i am positive i started eating that piece of pizza. i took a bite from the end and then a bite of crust (from the far end) as always. yet i pick up the plate to eat more and the slice is whole. what is happening??

there is some freaky ass silent hill shit happening in my hallway right now. the cfl on my landing is almost out and is only flickering occasionally. and creepily. and ominously. i got into my apartment as fast as my little legs could carry me.

visual aids:

at lunchtime charlie and i made a bubble tea run up to BeBoBa at western and addison. i bought a round for my coworkers – mine had no bubbles, of course, because the last thing i want when i’m enjoying a beverage is to feel something unexpectedly solid, round and eyeball-like touch my lips. delicious!

afterwards we had to circle the block to drive back to work. we were on a side street and a blue panel van came zooming out of an alley, crossed the street in front of us and disappeared into the alley opposite. the whole thing took less than 4 seconds. no honk, no slowing down – just barrelled out of nowhere at probably 40mph. i was not very fazed except to think, ‘jeez what an asshole,’ but as charlie pointed out, had we been a few seconds further along we would’ve gotten creamed and charlie would be dead and i’d be…well, i guess i would’ve been mostly ok…since charlie’s car has side airbags…but STILL – let’s focus here – point is, what was that crazy prick doing? i think he was just a thoughtless dickface, but charlie’s theory is bank robbery.

my worry here is that this crazy blue van near-death experience coupled with last friday’s alley 187 has the makings of a chain of probability-defying events that will a) kill one or both of us; or b) combine to create the most confounding series of episodes ever experienced by two people in a subaru. so yeah – knock on wood.

last night charlie and i hit a double feature in evanston – ‘16 blocks‘, the new bruce willis/mos def thriller and ‘night watch‘, the incredibly popular and incredibly awesomely-subtitled russian fantasy/horror movie. both were pretty good and i’m excited to see the sequels to ‘night watch’.

as i said, the ‘night watch’ credits were insane. if the action was slow, the subtitles faded on and off. if a character suddenly stood up, the subtitles would be pulled out of frame. credits wiped on and off in time with characters crossing frame or camera pans. blood-red credits over a swimming pool scene dissolved into tendrils of red liquid. freaking AMAZING. but i guess when you have the highest grossing russian movie in history, you can afford to make some pretty hardcore subtitles for your US release.

the visual effects were good too – not too in-your-face, which i like. there was a really awesome scene near the beginning wherein a woman turns into a TIGER and leaps across an apartment, but unfortunately there was no more of that in the rest of the movie. hopefully we’ll get to see tiger cub and bear and olga change back and forth into their animal forms in the rest of the trilogy.

overall the night was pretty laid back except, oh yeah, the part where charlie and i are sitting in the car on western near the blue line and suddenly a guy chases another guy into an alley. shortly after this is two separate volleys of shots. a lot of shots. by some natural instinct for ‘guys about to get popped’ charlie knew something was up when he saw the two guys running. i however, was totally at a loss as to why he was suddenly so quiet, allowed a single curse under his breath and was staring out the window. also, hey! why are those cars all backing up? and, what is that sound – fireworks?

during ‘king kong’ last night (which was awesome), carl denham says to ann darrow, ‘i’m someone you can trust. i’m a movie producer.’ i immediately and completely involuntarilyHA!!‘-ed, putting the full force of my diaphragm behind the guffaw.

it was totally silent in the theatre and no one else laughed. at least, no one else laughed as explosively as i did.

now, i realize my reaction was a little…overboard, shall we say, but seriously – NO ONE ELSE thought that was funny?? what gives? i felt like a leper. i guess, as eric pointed out, that joke probably played better in LA.

this morning i decided i could no longer stand my duvet. it’s lovely and i like how it looks and it’s weight and how it makes me feel like i’m sleeping under a big fluffly cloud…but the damn thing REFUSES to get white again when laundered. i suppose i should’ve known better – it IS from ikea and is just made of cheap cotton, but i really liked it when i bought it and…well, i still do.

anyway, it was time for a change, so i took a trip to cb2 to buy a (slightly) pricier, nicer, hopefully longer-lasting duvet for my down blanket. i decided on the basic brown and white and was all ready to get out of there fast…but the pull of (semi-)reasonably-priced home decor items was too much for me. i ended up dropping like $160 – i got a few more plates for my 2-of-each-style dinnerware collection, a cheapy cocktail shaker since i didn’t own one before (what am i supposed to do with all of that tito’s handmade without one?), a candle that smells like a delicious chai latte, brown pillowcases, and a pillow i don’t need but damn, it looks good on my couch.

the point of all of this was that i didn’t really consider the logistics of carrying this stuff back to my apartment via the el since i no longer have access to a car. cb2 is pretty close to the addison brown line stop, so it wasn’t too bad, but MY GOD how do all of you people DO this?? today i had my first taste of how lucky i used to be when i had a car whenever i wanted it. how do people get their groceries home? what if you have a sudden urge to go to cross-rhodes for greek fries? you have to plan everything – train schedules and bus schedules and metra schedules…where is the spontaneity?

sigh. so this is city life. ok, enough bitching. time to eat a b!g sur bar and watch ghostbusters II. oh egon! i swear, i’ll always be true!…ok, except maybe for macgyver.

ps: on the train i was reading the hypochondriac’s handbook, an ill-advised san francisco metreon purchase (eric! ian! why did you let me buy this book?!). did you know that the flu virus can live for YEARS in DRIED spit??