kara: really doing my best to avoid writing this paper
eric: what about?
kara: much ado about nothing
kara: due tomorrow
kara: not real long but i have no idea what to write about
eric: just do one about all shakespeare’s sexual puns
eric: you can call it “Big Pun: I Ain’t A Player (I Just Crush A Lot)”
kara: uhhhh I don’t know if that counts as an ‘analysis question’
Quoted in its entirety from the original article here.
On life’s constant little limitations
Calvin: You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don’t help.
Calvin: Everybody seeks happiness! Not me, though! That’s the difference between me and the rest of the world. Happiness isn’t good enough for me! I demand euphoria!
On why we are scared of the dark
Calvin: I think night time is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.
On the unspoken truth behind the education system
Calvin: As you can see, I have memorized this utterly useless piece of information long enough to pass a test question. I now intend to forget it forever. You’ve taught me nothing except how to cynically manipulate the system. Congratulations.
On the cruel reality of commercial art
Hobbes: Van Gogh would’ve sold more than one painting if he’d put tigers in them.
On the tragedy of hipsters
Calvin: The world bores you when you’re cool.
On the tears of a clown
Calvin: Isn’t it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humour? When you think about it, it’s weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it’s funny. Don’t you think it’s odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us?
Hobbes: I suppose if we couldn’t laugh at things that don’t make sense, we couldn’t react to a lot of life.
Calvin: (after a long pause) I can’t tell if that’s funny or really scary.
On the falling of sparrows (or providence’s lack of timetable)
Calvin: Life is full of surprises, but never when you need one.
On why winter is the most frustrating season
Calvin: Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.
On the gaping hole in contemporary art’s soul
Calvin: People always make the mistake of thinking art is created for them. But really, art is a private language for sophisticates to congratulate themselves on their superiority to the rest of the world. As my artist’s statement explains, my work is utterly incomprehensible and is therefore full of deep significance.
On the evils of mangling words
Calvin: Verbing weirds language.
On realising God is more Woody Allen than Michael Bay
Calvin: They say the world is a stage. But obviously the play is unrehearsed and everybody is ad-libbing his lines.
Hobbes: Maybe that’s why it’s hard to tell if we’re living in a tragedy or a farce.
Calvin: We need more special effects and dance numbers.
On why ET is real
Calvin: Sometimes I think the surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us.
On looking yourself in the mirror
Hobbes: So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they’re already met?
On the future
Calvin: Trick or treat!
Adult: Where’s your costume? What are you supposed to be?
Calvin: I’m yet another resource-consuming kid in an overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Madison Avenue and Hollywood, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you’re old and weak. Am I scary, or what?
On the truth
Calvin: It’s a magical world, Hobbes, ol’ buddy…Let’s go exploring!
eric: jack* forwarded me some email from a guy rambling about [our awesome iPhone/iPad app] last week, as i guess it is my job to follow up with all potential biz-dev contacts even if they are kind of insane
kara: oh great
eric: anyway, this guy’s name was patrick stewart
eric: so i just wrote back to jack and said “make it so”
eric: but i don’t think he got it
kara: I just cackled so loud my neighbors are probably scared
kara: still laughing
eric: anyway i guess i’ll have to write back to this guy
eric: maybe i can work some more star trek talk in there
kara: oh my god
kara: please bcc me
eric: “you must have set your email on stun because i am speechless!”
*not his real name
My attitude toward friendship has remained the same: I will support and encourage you with all the love in my heart, but if it’s not reciprocal, I gotta go. When the envy and negativity of others starts to undermine your confidence, you have to find comfort in other places.
Cameron tweeted this Craigslist ad and it is brilliant. Copying the text here so it’s saved after the ad is taken down:
My name is Travis [redacted] and I will do whatever* you want me to do for less money than whoever you are paying to do it now.
Below is a list of just some of the things I can do. I do want to stress that I DO ANYTHING so email me if your requested service is not listed here.
Things I Will Do For $5:
Stare at you for 5 minutes
Give a hug to the person of your choosing
Call you on the phone and seem genuinely interested for 10 minutes
Draw your face on a balloon
Sing Barenaked Ladies’ “One Week” from memory to the best of my ability
6 minutes of copywriting
Things I Will Do For $10:
Write your new theme song
Sing your new theme song on your voicemail
Spin until I throw up or you lose interest
Rename your Pokémon
Host a conference call with you and a person that you’ve always thought was cool but never really got the chance to hang out with, you know?
12 minutes of copywriting
Things I Will Do For $50:
Break-up with your boyfriend or girlfriend
Help you quit smoking (I’ll call you every day for a month and yell “HEY DON’T SMOKE”)
Tell the person you like that you think they’re cute and what if you had sex together?
Try my best to fly in a public place for an hour
Make you a really great profile picture
1 hour of copywriting
Things I Will Do For $100:
Tell your kids which one is actually your favorite, and what the others could do to improve their standings
Fight someone much smaller or girl than me
Email you a list of 250 things I like about you (need access to any and all social network accounts)
Clean most of your house and apologize for the things I didn’t
Deliver 5 fully cooked DiGiorno pizzas right to your door (5 mile radius from my home)
2 hours of copywriting
Things I Will Do For $1,000:
Host an event (will not host anything racially insensitive, e.g. human being auction)
Give a PowerPoint presentation on team building to your business and/or extended family
Rename your children
Build you a cardboard car and make vroom-vroom sounds while you drive it
Star treatment for a month (I’ll hide in bushes and take pictures of you)
20 hours of copywriting
Things I Will Do For $100,000:
Yell your name every time I wake up for the rest of my life
Change my political and spiritual leanings
Screen all your phone calls for five years
Recreate the best day of your life (or worst, whatevs)
84 straight days of copywriting *BEST VALUE*
If interested, email me at [redacted].
*Prices and tasks are subject to negotiation. I will not murder or steal or perform a legendary murdersteal. No rapes, and the sex has to be unrelated to the payment, like “Oh, after you’re done cutting those trees down, do you want some lemonade?” but the lemonade means sex, mostly.
The main image at K Company is totally amazing. I suggest we all take their motto to heart.
More Alopaca here…Choco Paco looks a little high.
update: Ok, so I examined that Alopaca page a little more closely, and there is a video towards the bottom, right under the comic.
kara: omg did you watch the video
eric: no where is it?
kara: it’s on the alopaca page at the bottom under the comic
eric: hm it’s not loading
kara: it’s pretty amazing
kara: there is a bee that is following the alopaca
kara: vanilla alopaca is having none of it
kara: but the bee just wants to be friends!
kara: he brings them all flowers and then they cuddle and it is ok
kara: i can’t believe i just typed those sentences
Also, there is a blog. There are so many glorious things happening there that I can’t even begin to elaborate. You’ll have to see for yourself.
From Moby’s blog:
this morning i woke up and there was a complete stranger sitting in my living room. robbie.
i wake up at 7 a.m. i walk in to my living room. i freeze. there’s someone standing next to my couch.
me: ‘uh, who are you??’
me: ‘what are you doing here?’
him: ‘i’m here’
me: ‘i think you should probably leave’
him: ‘ok’. then he sat down.
me: ‘i think you should leave’
him: ‘ok’. continues sitting.
me: ‘is everything ok?’
him: ‘i might still be on acid’
so i gave him a sweatshirt (it’s chilly up in the hills) and some money for breakfast and sent him on his way. apparently he had taken a lot of acid the night before, had seen my house from the street, and decided to pay an acid inspired visit.
i guess he and i are both lucky. he’s lucky that i didn’t have guns and that i didn’t call the police and that i gave him some breakfast money. i’m lucky that he wasn’t a violent crazy person and that he didn’t stab me in my sleep. i’ve also decided that locking my doors might be a good thing. i know, who doesn’t lock their doors? well, i don’t. or didn’t . i mean, my neighbors these days are coyotes and frogs, and i just kind of assumed that a closed door was a good enough deterrent for a coyote or a frog. but i guess i’ll err on the side of security and actually lock my doors at night from now on.
i hope robbie’s ok, he seemed a bit lost. although i guess doing a ton of acid and wandering around griffith park in the middle of the night might be disorienting. i’m glad he didn’t get eaten by coyotes or mountain lions.
how was your weekend? did you have any strangers on acid in your living room when you woke up?
I am the first to admit that I am ill-informed of current events. The thing is, while school is on, I’m happy to listen to NPR news the whole commute, and I like knowing what’s going on in the world. But I don’t generally seek out the news (although I’ve got the news on right now if that makes anyone feel better).
With that in mind, even I noticed that some shit seemed to be going down in Egypt. I just had no idea really what. Something about a terrible president and elections and turning off the internet and etc. The problem is, all the news reports assume you already know a lot of the news that led up to the new news, so if you come late to the party, you just end up confused. It struck me that a lot of people are probably in the same boat, thus I am stepping forward to say, “I have no idea what’s going on.”
As is my custom when wanting to know the whole story behind some political/current event, I asked Eric about it. In general, Eric is the most well-informed person I know, and would not only be more concise than the million articles I’d find with a Google search, he’d be more entertaining and probably provide visual aids.
So, as a kind of tribute to Liz Tells Frank, my friend’s website wherein she explains terrible movies and books to our friend Frank, who doesn’t have the time or inclination to watch/read them himself, I offer you this transcript of the IM conversation that I am unofficially titling, “Eric Tells Kara About What’s Happening in Egypt” (slightly edited since IMing is pretty non-linear at times, and yes, Eric and I both know that Europeans did not become totally stupid during the Dark Ages, so you can hold your comments to that effect).
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
Max Ehrmann c.1920
kazran: are you really a babysitter?
the doctor: I think you’ll find I’m universally recognized as a mature and responsible adult. [flourishes psychic paper]
kazran: it’s…just a lot of wavy lines.
the doctor: …yeah, it shorted out; finally a lie too big.
bernadette might be my new favorite character on ‘the big bang theory’:
penny: no, it was great; he just didn’t challenge me on an intellectual level.
bernadette: couldn’t you just fool around with him then listen to npr?
* ha! I didn’t even mean to make a pun.
eric: have you ever heard of lake agassiz?
eric: it’s a lake that was formed in the middle of the US from glacier runoff
kara: no. oh it’s big. was big.
eric: larger than all the great lakes combined!
kara: are you reading something about it?
eric: just the wikipedia
eric: it’s interesting b/c apparently it just kept getting bigger and bigger as the glacier receded
kara: nowhere to drain?
eric: until eventually an opening into the ocean opened up
eric: and it all drained *at once*
kara: yikes – 1-3 meters rise in sea level!
kara: that’s INSANE!
eric: …meanwhile, in the bible…
kara: how did you come across this
eric: i was reading about biblical history
eric: abrahamic religions & so on
eric: i mean… theoretically if the timing on that is there they think it is, it accounts not only for the flood myths across various religions but also global cooling and the genesis of urban life & agriculture which led to monotheism in the first place
kara: …it’s weird that this is making me hot right?
Words come later. It is the scent that first speaks of love.
kara: i had a dream i had an ipad and was a reading a magazine on it and it was awesome
kara: sadly, i hear magazines are so far not awesome on the ipad
eric: people are still figuring it out
eric: guess it started off better than the web though
eric: early web pages were hilarious
kara: i mean, i should be able to switch to ‘paperless’ subscriptions on my current magazines, just like i can opt out of paper statements for my credit card and other bills
eric: haha, the publishing industry is so far away from being able to figure that out
eric: the whole thing is like this incredibly brittle porcelain vase being propped up by lots of crossed fingers & old money