what do i want for my birthday (sept 4)? well, i’m glad you asked. in an effort to keep my family from complaining and to get my parents to buy stuff i want instead of just giving me money and telling me to buy it myself (THAT IS NOT A REAL PRESENT IT IS JUST ME SPENDING MY OWN MONEY), i created an amazon.com wishlist. enjoy. don’t give me that look, by now it should be abundantly clear what a nerd i am. just look at what tv shows i picked.
in wisconsin i saw a billboard advertising “Outhouse Spring” bottled water. first of all, i have no idea why you would name your company this. much less if you’re a water company. but it gets weirder: the billboard i saw proclaimed “l – m – n – o – [picture of outhouse spring bottled water, obviously meant to stand in for “p”/pee/whatever].” while this made a lasting impression, it did NOT make me want to purchase the water. neither did the second billboard: “we’re #[picture of outhouse spring bottled water], they’re #2.” what’s next? a picture of a refreshing bubbling spring with, just visible, an outhouse perched over the water upstream?!
why can’t the merchandise mart have a big cool food court? why is it all suburbia? i mean, i really like arby’s and sbarro but….it’s the merchandise mart. shouldn’t they be setting some sort of standard?
the new office is cool except for the fact that a pipe on the ceiling is held up with some telephone wire that’s been tied around it and a bracket that is bolted into the ceiling next to a bunch of gaping holes where it obviously fell or missed a stud at least 3 times. also the brick walls are like 150 years old, and when you look at it you just have a feeling that if you stared really hard the whole thing would crumble into a remarkably small pile of dust. this feeling is exacerbated by the new brick pieces i keep noticing on the floor and the bricks that are sort of falling out of the wall and the big holes and wooden plugs in the wall that sort of imply that many have already hurtled toward an unsuspecting skull.
please don’t squash me.
eric: and they way they tested you to see if you were an adult was this multiple choice test with all of these in-jokes about Jimmy Carter
eric: i mean, i guess that’s a good way to do it
eric: i mean what little kid is going to know that?
[pause.]
kara: well…you knew…
eric: hey, the way i figure, if you’re that big of a nerd you deserve to see some pixelated boobies.
what a shit week. let’s hope it gets better when the rents bring my new bed tomorrow after over a month without one. or when i get to go home this weekend and see my kitty. probably won’t be that great when i’m at the ortho or dentist or the wedding all by myself, but…oh well.
pat: hello, steve? well, i was thinking i’m really tired and i want to get some sleep before this thing tonight so can i come over and like take a nap?….well i know but….i know, but i could sleep on the floor or…couch?…even the kitchen…i can sleep on the stove…
kara: this is the most pathetic conversation i’ve ever overheard.
mike: so someone comes up to him at a party and asks him about his name…and this guy like [siiiiiigh] gives an audible sigh. come on, you’ve gotta know that if you legally change your name to “beanbag america” you’re going to have to answer some questions.
eric: what about “peembom”?
[silence. silence, then laughter]
mike: [laughing so hard as to almost be squealing] PEEEEEM bom??!!?
eric: yeah, that was my like imaginary friend. you know that sound the phone makes when you leave it off the hook?
[pat cackles. kate and kara titter in delight]
eric: yeah, ok, so i would say that, you know, that was peembom calling me.
later –
diana: you never told me about peembom!
eric: well, you never asked
diana: when did you have this imaginary friend?
eric: i don’t know, like for a few years when i was 5 or 6.
diana: wait, i want you to imitate the sound that a phone makes when it’s off the hook
eric: ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh
diana: i don’t understand how the sound the phone makes is peembom…
eric: look, i had an imagination, ok?
* transcript not verbatim. events have been ellipsized for the sake of time, space, and not having to type “laughing so hard i almost (peed my pants/choked/cried/etc)”