kristina sent me the link to her website and it’s brilliant. she’s hilarious and her daughter is so awesome i would have a billion kids right now if they could be like her. but with my luck i’ll end up with a date-rapist jock or a slutty cheerleader or some other variant of [derogatory sex-related adjective] [architype nerds stereotypically hate/fear/secretly admire].
*ahem* anyway…some excerpts:
So Nora is grooving on her math problems while we clear away the dinner dishes, and she wants more, and eventually she asks, “Can I do this instead of TV tonight?” Uh, yes. Absolutely.
Of course, later she was peeing naked before bathtime and ended up falling off the toilet and bruising her hip as a result of attempting to sit an extra-special krazy kreative way (backwards, one leg up over the tank, who even knows WTF). From “gifted” to McFly in just around thirty minutes.
SUGGESTION BOX ON THE DEATH STAR
I really like it when Nora improvises Star Wars dialogue. For instance, she will say, in her Darth Vader voice, “I am going to destroy your planet.” And I’ll say, “No! Please don’t! I really like my planet!” Then she breathes Vader-style for a few beats and comes back with, “I am going to destroy it anyway.” The Dark Lord of the Sith welcomes your feedback!
Long story short, LT is a manly man who smells like a man. Which is why I was confused when I noticed that the scent name of his latest deodorant is “Showtime.” Could it get any gayer? Why not just name it “Jazz Hands” or “Mojito” or “First-Row Seats At Madonna Concert”? Showtime for armpits! Whatever.
WELCOME TO BED
The two things I like to do in bed are (a) fuck and (b) sleep. I also like to read and chat, but those are warm-up activities to one of the two main events.
I do not like to snuggle. I feel kind of bad about it, because LT is a world-class snuggler, but whenever he’s doing the snuggle thing I can’t help wishing that we would either skip straight to the Sexy Times or else go to sleep. I cannot fall asleep while being hugged or snuggled, it just doesn’t work. Hug hug hug that’s very nice, now quit touching me so I can sleep. Isn’t it terrible? I am a meanie potato of a wife.
Don’t even get me started on the snuggling AFTER I have already fallen asleep. The other night I woke up very suddenly to LT kissing me on the face, and I was extremely freaked out (possibly because there was a GIANT FACE LOOMING over me) and whisper-shrieked “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” It is possible that LT was not fully awake either because he mumbled something and rolled away from me, and then I saw fit to reply with “AHHHHH!” and rolled away from him. It is funny now but jeez, what a night. Good morning darling, did we sleep well? Well no, because you menaced me with your big snuggle-face and then I screamed at you like a deranged person. We will have to try again tonight.